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they checked out an hour ago

those loose ends





they come back again
posted by styrofoamboots at 9:10 PM  

 
you have to forgive yourself, i think

i think it was slightly less than a year ago that i had this dream where i died. i have had one or two death dreams before, but this was dream of true death. from what i can remember...

i was violently murdered. i was shot to death by lots and lots of bullets fired in quick succession. it only takes one right? excessive! the goons what done it were straight out of Commando, a fine film which i had watched right before bed.

anyways, the thing is that instead of waking, i was transported to the streets of a large and quiet city resembling toronto. i seemed to be walking down the street along with a few other people. friends maybe? other dead boys?

i should mention at this point that i not only believed, but felt and knew that i was truly dead and was now experiencing the afterlife. maybe you can imagine the accompanying thoughts.





i think this part was the essential interaction: i encountered a disheveled man in a wheelchair, looking all fucked up on drugs / alcohol / the pain of existence. he resembled a street kid from my hometown. he had completely given up everything, all hope, and i was pleading with him to forgive himself and love himself, the whole time we were both sobbing like infants.

here is where i woke up, and immediately burst into tears. i've never felt anything like it. it wasn't some sort of quiet brooding and welling up, it was just pure guttural emotion exploding. it was like a rush of the sadness of the dream, mixed with the feeling of being resurrected or getting a miraculous second chance.

i was fucked for the whole day. just useless. for months, i would intermittently remember the dream and at once feel this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

that's a lot more than i intended to say, but there it is.

there is a lot going on there, more than i'm qualified to explain in any meaningful way. i think it's supposed to be about mortality, with a healthy dose of the religious. but i also think it may be about pleading with myself to forgive myself, but for what i have no idea. there's also some feelings of regret in there.

i guess it's all very usual stuff. very powerful usual stuff.
posted by styrofoamboots at 12:40 AM  

 
fame and fortune is a stupid game and fame and fortune is the game i play

i got up to some recording this weekend. it's been so long that i am rusty and have difficulty with stamina on my instruments. i'm a real five minute fred.

i completed a drum track and a bass track for a cover version of the game music from the NES game Kings of the Beach. i always loved the music in this game, and recorded my own version of it in high school, which was sloppy and badly done. so now i'm revisiting it in an attempt to... do a better job.





if it all works out i'd like to make a web video if i can.
posted by styrofoamboots at 10:24 PM  

 
you do or don't and then you're dead

i haven't slept in four days. My girlfriend pointed out the cover of Maclean's magazine, which is about the topic -- i went to buy it at lunch and suddenly the cover had changed to a story about dangerous cities. N'ah, not interested in that.

i bought an utne reader because there was a story on "how to sit still." How pathetic is that? i really wanted to learn how to meditate from a two-page magazine article. The premise was that you stop thinking, and kapow! ...you're meditating. Sounds great to me.



Think I'll go lie in bed.
posted by styrofoamboots at 10:29 PM  

 
you have stopped the flavour

Where the fuck did the time go? That's the question. And one of a few things I think when I read old blog posts.

Another thing -- I kind of got into a groove where everything that was in my head would get out unfiltered and I would become incredibly efficient at directing it without stopping the flow. So, logically, I need to keep writing regularly because it sure isn't that way now.

After all, I do want to.





My fingers are like claws. I have become arthritic before my time. Even though that's an obvious exaggeration -one i may be stricken down for- that's what it feels like. That's what it feels like when you type all day. Type type type thousands of words.

On the plus side I have a great job.
posted by styrofoamboots at 11:31 PM  

 
heaven is not the kind of place that gets found

My teeth need to be fixed. I put it off, even though I can now afford it. Can I please repeat that I think making the populace pay for dental care is totally wild west? You can die from teeth problems, it's medical care. Teeth and hair make me think of existential issues, because they are permanent -- permanently had or permanently lost.

I owe money, I put it off.

There's those stupid loose ends that won't go away.

Once when I was a teenager my dad was driving me somewhere and I had a flyaway hair sticking out and he offered to cut it off. I wasn't having it. An army couldn't have made me cut that thing off.





I need to tell you a story. About four years ago I was browsing in a zeller's store in etobicoke, and I heard this song over the loudspeakers -- a christmas song for it was christmas. It sounded like magic, like a hipster's christmas carol, a british new wave hymn. I hearkened in vain to grab some lyrics for later googling, but because of the muddled raw production I could get nothing out of it.

I called that song my white whale. I would tell people about it. I heard it again a couple of years later when I (unfortunately) worked at a store owned by the same company, but I was on the phone with an important customer and could not get out of the conversation. I had to use the half of my brain that wasn't trying to please someone other than myself.

Another couple of years later (which was incidentally a few weeks ago), I heard it again in a cd store. I asked the shopkeeper what the song was, and like that the knowledge was mine. A little anticlimactic, but I got more out of it than a song.

Turns out the song was called "Christmas," and was recorded by a band called the Buzz of Delight, a two person band (one of these persons was Matthew Sweet). The song is better than I remember.

I found the song, and the full album from whence it came on a blog called Willfully Obscure, an amazing blog which seems to feature vinyl and cd rips of really cool music.

The rest of the record is even more exciting to me than even the song I was looking for. I don't know how to describe the music, except to say that it's beautiful.
posted by styrofoamboots at 7:20 PM  

 
everything is crashing

a lot of things have happened, too many to type, too few to rave.

i am truly in love and still with the same person over a year later.





i worked in a bay-owned store for a while, and then i worked in a wine store for a while, and then i catered on film sets for a while, and now i work for a tv show

i am back on my feet. i have developed the habit of typing capital Is. i am a cell phone user. i played in a band for a while and now have joined another. i am going to go make dinner. i just kind of feel like writing here, because i am proud of what i've put up in the last five years.
posted by styrofoamboots at 8:01 PM  

 
i need to get back to this thing
posted by styrofoamboots at 12:18 PM  

 
don't feel much like writing here anymore. i have a couple of jobs and i have school and i am in love. there's no time left for blogging.

not to say i'll never update.

in the meantime go to www.myspace.com/shanemacpherson
posted by styrofoamboots at 2:15 PM  

 
after all the lies, after all the time, time after time

here is a photo i stole from a lovely lady





been overwhelmed

i saw borat last night, that was a laughcapade. but i think i laughed harder when i saw jackass 2, although it's probably because that feature was a series of buildups to explosive moments. ha HA... buildups.





what me wants to see is KG and JB with the possibility of LEE on the silver screen in the pick of destiny. i think that movie will do terrible things to me. please forgive me for anything embarrassing that i do or say afterwards.





i keep listening to this tristan psionic song called promise from a cd of theirs which i found at a value village. it's so long and wristslittingly depressing, and the singing is horrible, but this melody and all the things that propel it is so compelling that i can't listen away. i hear it in my mind a lot. i said i wouldn't listen to depressing music anymore
posted by styrofoamboots at 9:47 PM