you have to forgive yourself, i think

i think it was slightly less than a year ago that i had this dream where i died. i have had one or two death dreams before, but this was dream of true death. from what i can remember...

i was violently murdered. i was shot to death by lots and lots of bullets fired in quick succession. it only takes one right? excessive! the goons what done it were straight out of Commando, a fine film which i had watched right before bed.

anyways, the thing is that instead of waking, i was transported to the streets of a large and quiet city resembling toronto. i seemed to be walking down the street along with a few other people. friends maybe? other dead boys?

i should mention at this point that i not only believed, but felt and knew that i was truly dead and was now experiencing the afterlife. maybe you can imagine the accompanying thoughts.





i think this part was the essential interaction: i encountered a disheveled man in a wheelchair, looking all fucked up on drugs / alcohol / the pain of existence. he resembled a street kid from my hometown. he had completely given up everything, all hope, and i was pleading with him to forgive himself and love himself, the whole time we were both sobbing like infants.

here is where i woke up, and immediately burst into tears. i've never felt anything like it. it wasn't some sort of quiet brooding and welling up, it was just pure guttural emotion exploding. it was like a rush of the sadness of the dream, mixed with the feeling of being resurrected or getting a miraculous second chance.

i was fucked for the whole day. just useless. for months, i would intermittently remember the dream and at once feel this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

that's a lot more than i intended to say, but there it is.

there is a lot going on there, more than i'm qualified to explain in any meaningful way. i think it's supposed to be about mortality, with a healthy dose of the religious. but i also think it may be about pleading with myself to forgive myself, but for what i have no idea. there's also some feelings of regret in there.

i guess it's all very usual stuff. very powerful usual stuff.